Someone tell Malcom Gaskin to invest in longer shorts
The ASB Softball Classic was a blast—blood was spilt, noses were rearranged and we learned that MC’s Demion Dublin and Jared Messinger shouldn’t quit their day jobs. But now it’s time for some good old-fashioned flag football! This year’s talent looks to be balanced.
Let’s look at the scouting report.
The Carlson brothers are our first team. Curt is definitely the Big Ben (Ben Roethlisberger) of this league. Standing at 6’3 and possessing a cannon for an arm, Curt is a formidable opponent. He and Dan look to lead their team to victory. Unlike Big Ben, Curt hasn’t won a championship, and, to my knowledge he hasn’t been accused of any felonies. I predict they will draft Zack “White Thunder” Posthumus, who will probably play Free Safety.
Tyler Underwood and Jonathan Rojas have teamed up in the hopes of returning to glory. Last year they tasted the sweet nectar of an undefeated season. We will see if the run-happy Underwood and company can make a splash this season.
Kyle Berg and David Meier have joined forces this year in hopes of capturing eternal glory. Get in line boys. Berg is a two-time champion, but this is his first year in the quarterback position. Berg sees himself as an Aaron Rodgers; however, I’ve never seen Rodgers throw dying quails.
Seth and Malcom Gaskin are the only father-son duo this year. They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but these two couldn’t be more different. Seth likes to play backyard football, scrambling 50 yards for a 10 yard gain. Malcom, on the other hand, is old-school, smash-mouth football. Referees Brandon Everett and Spencer Curtis will have to remind Malcom every other play that this isn’t contact football, and this isn’t the 70’s either, so he should probably invest in longer shorts.
This year’s staff team should be interesting. Wisdom is on their side, sure, but every other team has the confidence of youth. I’ve heard that this year’s staff team is sponsored by Icy Hot, and if not, they will be at the end of the season. The starting quarterback is unclear, but may be Ryan Perry. Then again, I’ve never seen him throw a spiral, so maybe not.
Drew Mekelburg and I team up to obtain intramurals immortality. Mekelburg has been to dance twice, but just couldn’t close. While Mekelburg was gone this last season, I was able to get his championship shirt. Both of us had the privilege to study under the tutelage of Union great Aaron Lynn Flores.
There’s a lot of good teams out there, and this year should be a very competitive and exciting one.
Derek is senior studying business sport management.