Talking sex at 4:28 a.m.

An intimate talk from the collegiate male perspective

Abner Campos

Sitting in a room with nine guys playing FIFA, a soccer videogame, at 4:28 a.m., I asked, “What’s your stance on sex before marriage?”

The answers varied, kind of.

There was only one guy who thinks sex before marriage is a good idea, and another who responded, “Nah, man, sex before marriage sucks. Every time I think of anything sexual I think of her. It sucks.”

Let me backtrack.

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Before I continue the conversation, I want to establish a few things. One: Sex is good. Two: Marriage is holy. Three: What we do now affects us later.

The society we live in promotes sex as a recreational activity. It says as long as two individuals consent, why not? How could sex ever be bad if it is good and feels good?

Plus, why wait until marriage to have sex? What if you and your future spouse aren’t sexually compatible? You should have sex just to be sure, just to be safe. And, well, if you love the person, why not? You would be amplifying your love for them.

In a Huffington Post article titled “IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn't,” a woman raised in a conservative home publicly vowed to remain sexually pure until marriage, but regretted it later. Growing up with the “sex is bad” mentality wrecked sex for her with her husband. Because sex never carried positive connotations, any sexual activity in marriage was miserable; she felt dirty and guilty. Why? Because her church hadn’t placed sex in a positive light.

By the way, if you’re not going to have sex until marriage, don’t do it because of your church—do it because of you.

The Seventh-day Adventist view of sex outside of marriage as a sin because, biblically, sex is intended to be with one person forever. Sex is sacred, beautiful, vulnerable, exclusive. To take it outside of the context of marriage is to strip it from its sacredness, beauty, vulnerability, and exclusiveness.

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Now back to 4:28 a.m..

Surprisingly, most of them saw sex before marriage as a negative experience. Here’s their logic: If you have sex with a girl and it’s a great experience, but you marry another girl and your sexual experience isn’t as good as that one time, then it’s not good because of the standard that was set with some other girl. More so, how do you explain to your spouse that you’ve been with multiple partners and, implicitly, it isn’t as special for you as it is for her?

More guy’s-dorm-logic says, “I don’t want to be tied up with a girl who isn’t my wife. There’s always those couples that break up on and off and you know its because they were having sex.”

Another told of someone who  “hates having sex with her husband and she waited until marriage. Now she’s stuck with him.”

“But just because your spouse isn’t good in bed doesn’t mean they’re a bad spouse,” another replied.

Regardless of the quality of one’s sexual experience, its hard to disagree with the reality that sex binds two souls together. Sex is good because it ties two people together. Yet, when you’re tied to many people, you get knotted up emotionally and sexually and spiritually and it sucks. What makes sex so powerful is that it's not just two bodies fulfilling each other’s physical pleasures, sex is the fusing of two souls at the deepest level.

One of my friends told me, “Having the assurance of marriage when you give yourself completely to another person allows you to love freely, without restraint. True sex is about the emotion, not the physicality.”

In summary, if you’re resisting sex before marriage, do it because of you—not your family or church. Sex within marriage allows you to love freely, vulnerably, and amplifies the love that is designed to be never-ending.

Abner is a sophomore studying theology.