A Case for Claus
This is it U-Fam, the final article of the semester. As we get ready for finals, reports, and other year-end projects, I’d like to say a special thanks to those who read and enjoy these unhinged articles. Now now, wipe those tears away because I have a special article cooked up for you all to hold you over until next semester. In the spirit of the holidays, we will take a deep dive into the indubitable existence of Santa Claus.
Though many of you may have converted to a-Santa-ists, I have managed to maintain my belief at my ripe old age. Many of you have been told lies and slanders about Mr. Claus and it's time we set the record straight. The most common thing I hear is that parents provide the gifts every Christmas. Really? You’re telling me that there is a conspiracy to get children gifts that ALL parents just happen to be in on? Highly unlikely that’s the case. “But Mason, there’s many people who celebrate other holidays, Santa doesn’t deliver to them!” Are you serious right now? Obviously, Santa doesn’t encroach on other holidays like Hannukah. He respects peoples’ religious beliefs!
Another shoddy explanation that a-Santa-ist often tell me is that if Santa was real, he would give presents and take care of those in poverty. Well, everything is just a fairytale to you huh? Santa provides for people who are on their grind, in their bag, if you’re broke that means you don’t know how to hustle and are therefore on the naughty list. Besides, taking care of the impoverished is the government’s job to pretend to do.
The last and probably hardest claim to debunk is that it would be physically impossible for Santa to deliver billions of presents and eat all of the cookies and milk. Two things: why are we plate-watching Santa? I love imagining his big jiggly belly squeezing down the chimney, drinking his milky, and munching down yummy cookies. As to how he can deliver so many presents to good boys and girls, I’d imagine he employs some wormhole technology to cross large bodies of water, and over land the reindeer can go supersonic using the power of Christmas magic.
In conclusion, Santa is real beyond a shadow of a doubt and if some a-Santa-ist tries to argue with you, feel free to use this hard evidence to debunk them. Have a wonderful break and happy holidays, my beautiful baby darlings. Good luck on those finals and make sure to keep an eye out for Santa!
By Mason Piva