Caffeine for credits
How’s it going U-Fam, Mason here with another article for you all to break up that monotony of a late semester week. It’s about that point in the year when the homework is piling on, exams rear their ugly head every week, and every day you wake up more tired than the last. There is one thing that helps to keep us happy in these tough times, that being coffee. I know that when I’m feeling dreary, a trip to The Mill for an overpriced latte always seems to do the trick. Though this system seems to work out for the most part, there is a religious conflict when it comes to caffeine.
Ellen “The Real G” White, said that the consumption of caffeine in any source can impair mental functions and should only be used for medicinal purposes. My main takeaway from that statement is that “G Whitey” never tasted a caramel macchiato but still, being the good Adventist that I am, it’s troubling to think that every trip to Starbies has EGW doing somersaults in her grave. This dilemma was bothering me to such an extent that I spent countless hours dreaming up a solution. Countless coffee-fueled hours, I might add.
To make up for every cup of joe that we drink, I think the school should deduct one worship credit from our total. To keep us accountable, I think that the school having our locations at all times would be necessary so that they could see if we step foot in a coffee shop. I for one would be totally fine with this! With this new system, I calculated the average worship credit total for students to be around -154, so we better get to praising! Now, we can drink coffee guilt-free free and the attendance for church-related events would skyrocket.
I think that any Union staff member should seriously consider this idea as it does not have any negative downsides whatsoever. Sure, the school knows a bit more about us but it’s for our own good. Just like the Patriot Act, there will be no downsides to this change whatsoever. We can still drink coffee to our heart’s content and as long as we keep up with our worship we will be a-okay. Oh just one more thing, to stress the importance of keeping our credits up, its mandatory to have a balance of 500 credits in order to graduate.
Well gang, that's all from me today, hope you all enjoyed this little peak into my thoughts and ideas, and I hope you have a great rest of your week. Make sure to get to UGather this week, cause I know you all are getting that coffee down the hatch!
By Mason Piva