Gentleman’s Guide to a YouTube apology

Good morrow esteemed uFamily, it is I, your dearest Mason. I come to you all with the most wonderful news, especially regarding those who have found themselves in a bit of a bind due to online shenanigans. If that sounds like you, pay great mind to the following as I guide you in the ways, nay, the art of forming your very own YouTube apology.

First, I hope you are ready to make like a reptile because crocodile tears are of the utmost importance. If you show the viewers that you are so regretful that you begin to pathetically cry on a video that you chose to edit and post, once again, they have no choice but to forgive you. If you can’t make your own tears, store bought is fine. Just make sure to cut around the footage where you strategically place them on your face.

Next, as you begin to elaborate on your mishap, be mindful to imply that your critics perhaps do not have a full grasp on the situation, while still making yourself seem to be the victim; a good, “There has been a lot of accusations going around and I just want to clear the air,” is always a wonderful tactic. Another thing to remember is that this is your video, so you don’t have to address any arguments that are hard to defend. One of my personal favorite tactics is the old “strawman,” wherein you contort any arguments against you to such a degree that a toddler could defend them, which would go something like this.

Critic: “Hey those gift cards you gave away didn’t have nearly as much money on them as you said they would!”

Defendant: “Wow guys, I literally did a giveaway and no one is appreciative. Guess I’ll never do one of these again!” Techniques like this are sure to fool your audience of middle schoolers and get them to keep defending you on any social media they can download on their tablets.

Finally, do take care to give your video its own flair that will set it apart from the other dozens of apologies that exist on the World Wide Web. If you have a dog or any other sort of animal, you have an obligation to sit that creature in front of the camera and have it in the apology. Another snazzy idea is to announce that you are donating to a charity that is in support of the opposite of whatever you did.

Finally, if you’re feeling rather daring and have an affinity for the arts, a poem or song about the situation is sure to make sure everyone knows you are sorry. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and do whatever you like because remember, on the internet, people are only mad at you until it’s trendy to be mad at someone else!

By Mason Piva