The most dangerous game: A meat substitute hunting guide for Adventists on Thanksgiving

The lovely holiday of Thanksgiving is soon approaching and, as a result, Adventists, vegans and vegetarians everywhere are facing the age-old dilemma of finding a proper substitute for that hearty, delicious bird typically served this time of year. Many will sadly go hungry as they are forced to only partake in canned cranberry sauce or green bean casseroles which, as we all know, have as much nutritional value as a fake house plant. Meanwhile, the meat eaters of the world are out hunting and cooking up as much turkey as they can eat without a care in the world as to how those with less diverse palates are fairing. It simply is not fair. This is why I have decided to make a hunting guide for those who find themselves in this boat.

You may be asking yourself, “What in the world could a vegetarian possibly hunt for food?” Well, dear reader, the answer is quite simple: meat analogues. Meat analogues are simply meat substitutes made from other products such as nuts, beans, vegetables and apparently pure salt, as is evident by their nutrition labels. These meat substitutes are bountiful in the wild and are just as easy to track and hunt as any turkey or deer. 

The first place to search for your quarry should be in the sprawling isles of the nearest supermarket. Although the breeding ground for many of these analogue meats are the sunny coasts of Loma Linda, California, they are just as plentiful anywhere you would typically see tofu and other such soy products. 

Once you have scoped out the target of your hunt, you must be stealthy and quick in your actions. Try hiding behind a box of cereal or bag of rice on your approach. Once you are within range, grab the can or box of fake meat in one speedy motion. It will never know what hit it. Once in your possession, you can take the meat substitute home and cook it into any dish you please. Although some fake meats can be consumed raw, it is highly recommended that you cook before consuming, lest you experience something akin to dysentery. 

However you decide to acquire your meal for Thanksgiving, I hope you take time to consider what this very special holiday is really all about: eating a boat load of food. 

By Caleb Schaber