The pancake-ification of Kansas

Despite much visual evidence to the contrary, our home state of Nebraska is surprisingly not the country's flattest state. It is not even within the top ten; however, our neighbors to the south are. Kansas is the seventh flattest state in the nation. In fact, Kansas is so flat that scientists discovered the average topography of the entire state to be 99.97% flat, while the surface of a pancake was found to be only about 95.7% flat. This information comes from a study done by the geography departments of Texas State University and Arizona State University who used a mathematical analysis to determine the flatness ratio of both Kansas and a pancake purchased from IHOP. 

You may be wondering then, why do we need to flatten Kansas if its average topography is already less than that of a pancake? The answer: Why not? That number is just the average topography of the state. Imagine if the entire state of Kansas was that flat. The roads would be some of the smoothest in the world, there would be a huge increase in the amount of farmable land, and you would never have to worry about buying a bubble level again! The pros of this endeavor are absolutely undeniable. 

Despite the work necessary to pull this feat off, the process itself is quite straightforward in execution. We would simply need to start from the border of Colorado and push the 5,501 cubic miles of earth across the state to Missouri. The minor hiccups involving rivers, existing towns and cities and extreme population displacement are mere trivialities when compared to the idyllic nature of this new and perfect Kansas.  

Many people might not be on board with this plan at first, namely those living in Kansas, but the results will speak for themselves. As it sits, Florida is currently the nation’s flattest state. Given that they are already quite well known for Florida Man and crocodiles, I think it’s time we give Kansas a win. Imagine the prestige that will come with knowing that not only is your state flatter than a pancake, but that it is now the entirety of the state that is flatter than a pancake.

This plan of pancake-ification is nearly flawless. Sure, it would come at immense cost financially and it would have untold amounts of environmental devastation, but I think the aesthetics of a perfectly flat Kansas make up for all of it. Just watch out for the 900-foot cliff  bisecting Kansas City. 

By Caleb Schaber