The Union tunnel sinkhole: What could be down there?

A little while ago, a small hole opened up in the ground next to a sidewalk just outside of the Ortner Center here on campus. Since then, the hole has been steadily growing in size as dirt continues to break from the edges and fall into it. If you look into the hole, you can see the edges of the brickwork of the tunnels that reside under Union. So this all begs the question: What’s really going on down there? 

These tunnels have been underneath Union for years and connect many of the buildings on campus together. There have even been new ones built with the addition of the Krueger Center in order to connect it to the other tunnel networks. In fact, the tunnels used to be accessible to students for interactive end-of-times Bible studies and even ASB events, but now they are mostly kept behind locked doors and heavy grates. There are reasonable explanations for these tunnels and why they were closed off, but none of these require a tin foil hat to believe, so obviously they are too boring for our time. Rather, I have collected theories from students who wish to remain anonymous for safety reasons. 

Theory #1: Underground squirrel highway

The real reason the tunnels became inaccessible was because the squirrels have taken them over as a fast and unseen means of travel between their food gathering locations — a furry Silk Road of sorts. This problem has yet to be resolved because the squirrels are just so darn cute that no one knows how to tell them to cut it out. 

Theory #2: The unnamable thing that came from the corn 

There isn’t much that can be said about it that won’t be redacted, but here’s what I know. The tunnels were a labyrinth of sorts meant to contain it, but as is evident by the hole next to the Ortner Center, it got out. 

Theory #3: Long-running psychological experiments

The truth is, the tunnels were never real to begin with. The story about them was made up as part of an elaborate experiment to see how long college students could be convinced of something that was supposedly right under their feet, but that they could never see. The “cave-in,” the stories about people going down there, even the glimpses you can see through the grates in the sidewalk are all elaborate hoaxes meant to gaslight you into believing a lie as part of some bigger mind experiment. 

I am now getting wild hand gestures from my editor that I have said too much, and the FBI agent in the corner is giving me stern glances, so this is where I will sign off. Stay safe out there, Union, and always stay wary of what lurks just below us. 

By Caleb Schaber