Squirrel protests affect Union College’s bottom line

If you mess around, you’re gonna find out.

On April 1, 2023, 10:32 a.m., the first squirrel attack was reported to Union College Campus Health. Kristin Matthews, a sophomore bioengineering major, saw a squirrel behaving strangely near the East door of Krueger Center. When she approached it, the squirrel became hostile and threatened to hurt her if she came closer. 

“I didn’t understand what he was saying to me at first,” said Matthews. “Nobody told me that the squirrels had been taking English classes, and his accent was too thick for me to understand.”

When Matthews came too close, the squirrel pulled out a statistics textbook and began to hit her with it. Passerbys called Campus Safety and the squirrel was taken into custody. Matthews was rushed to Campus Health, where she was treated for heart failure and papercuts.

The news of the squirrel arrest spread quickly from tree to tree, and the squirrel community began planning and hosting protests. 

The first scheduled protest was April 5, 2023. When Union employees arrived on campus, they discovered the masses of squirrels covering every inch of the campus, leaving no room for walking without risking stepping on them. Classes were canceled for the safety of the students.

“We are working on peace negotiations with the squirrel leadership,” said the president of the college. “They are good folk, and we estimate that school will reopen for classes on April 10, 2023.”

When asked to address the hostage situation with the dorms, a student dean stepped up. “We realize that many of the students relied on the cafeteria for meals.This is a good lesson for us all to learn that we cannot trust that the cafe will always be there for us. I’m sure that it was an accident that the squirrels barricaded us into the dorms and patrol the entry ways.”

Please stay inside your rooms while this situation is dealt with. This includes not opening your windows. Failure to comply may result in fines, injuries and potentially death. Union College does not take responsibility for any insurance claims filed for behavior that disregarded instruction.

If you see a squirrel in one of the dorms, please contact the dean-on-duty phone line for de-escalation and extrapolation. Do not engage with the squirrel, do not turn off the lights and do not leave it unattended.

By: Annelise Jacobs