The end is nigh

Prepare for bartering during the apocalypse now

No matter how hard we try, it can no longer be ignored: the apocalypse is coming. In fact, some might argue it’s already begun. As we all know, paper money will become useless as governments fall. Doomsayers often say that you need to invest in gold to barter come the end of the world. I disagree. It’s the same governments who make paper money valuable that give gold its value. No — gold will not be useful. The true currency that will reign supreme is Girl Scout Cookies.

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. In the event of the end, who could possibly be better prepared than the Girl Scouts? Yeah, the Boy Scouts spend years learning to camp in extreme conditions, but do they have a chokehold on the hottest commodity to hit every single spring? No! They wouldn’t survive a day trying to barter beef jerky or overcooked biscuits. They’d be thrown out of the social order before they could whip out their sweet knot tying skills.

The Girl Scouts have been preparing to take over the world for years. Through shrewd business planning and creating mass dependency on Thin Mints, the Girl Scouts have become the next global system. We desperately need our cookie fix and the Girl Scouts are all too prepared to give it to us … for a price.

What will the Girl Scouts want from us poor, unfortunate souls? They’ll want our skills. If they need to be driven across the wasteland, you’ll have to take them. Wi-Fi stopped working? For two boxes of Trefoils the surviving computer nerds will fix anything. They may also desire weaponry such as sling shots and cookie cutters.

The signs of the Girl Scouts rising will be subtle. Bakeries will shut down without warning. Oreos will disappear from stores. People will forget the goodness of Chips Ahoy. Desperation for tart Lemonades will grow. Then will the Girl Scouts come to save us from our detox.

The time to stock up on our future currency is now. Girl Scout cookies can only skyrocket in price as the world comes to an end. The girls are prepared, and we should be too. Go find your local Girl Scout; your mother’s coworker’s daughter, that table outside Walmart or that weird neighbor. Purchase your Thin Mints, Samoas and Do-si-dos. The end of the world is coming. Are you prepared?

By: Lacey Stecker