Truth or dairy

The camera turns on, you see my face, dark circles around my sunken eyes. I am wearing a raggedy white T-shirt. My gaze slowly moves from the side of the room directly into your eyes. All of a sudden, my eyes snap open and I am wide awake.

“Howdy howdy U Fam! NaturallyChugs here with my new series of food reviews! Times like this make me hungry for a childhood snack that I’m sure you’re all fans of: cookies and milk — well, minus the cookies!” I reach down to my feet, releasing a labored grunt as I almost fall out of my chair. As I rise up, I slam a large jug of milk down on the table. “So guys, today we are going to be reviewing this entire gallon of milk and seeing how we like it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Wait, doesn't that milk say it expired yesterday?””.

I do not respond. I then unscrew the cap; there is no audible seal breaking. I lurch over the jug and take a large whiff. I noticeably try to hold back a grimace. “Wow, smells pretty good, time to get my milky on!” I raise my arm from under the desk and reach my pale white fingers across the handle of the jug. I look directly at the camera and utter in a raspy voice, “Bottoms up.”

I grab the other side of the jug, noticeably deforming it within my grasp. I rapidly bring the jug up to my lips and begin loudly chugging the milk. I audibly gulp with every ounce of milk that enters my belly. After 23 seconds, I slam the jug back down to the desk, gasping for air, and begin loudly coughing and retching. “Holy heck, this one’s giving me trouble!” I wipe my mouth with a Paw Patrol towel and glance back down at the milk in despair. “Back to it then,” I say in the same raspy voice as before. I pick the jug back up angrily, placing it to my mouth and throwing my head back to drink. I inhale the milk at alarming speed, the liquid level quickly lowering. As the jug nears empty, you perceive desperation in my eyes, but it is quickly replaced with rage. Finally the last bit of milk drains from the jug.

*Note for reader, here is where you audibly cheer no matter where you are*

I whip the empty jug across the room, and a large crash followed by the screech of a cat can be heard. “Well, U Fam, that’s about it from NaturallyChugs; hope you enjoyed this episode and please tune in tomorrow for part 2!” I dive forward to turn off the camera, missing it completely and crashing down on top of my desk. Screen fades to black.

By Mason Piva