Zooming back to the computer

Yo yo yo U Fam, hope you’re all alive after having what seems like thousands of highschoolers on campus. Congrats to [INSERT WINNER HERE] for winning the tournament.

This week, I come to you humbly with a proposition. You see, the other day as I was getting ready for class, I was looking through my closet for a dashing outfit to bless everyone’s eyes with. As I was digging through my big pile of clothes I noticed that my shirt-to-pants ratio was totally out of whack! With too many shirts for not enough pants, all I had left in my “clean” clothes pile was a pair of 3-inch inseam cutoff jorts — and I was saving those for church. As I scritched and scratched my chin thinking of a solution, I began to reminisce upon a time where I didn’t have to wear pants to school.

Back during the pandemic there was no such thing as showing off outfits, we just got out of bed five minutes before class, grabbed our computer, and promptly got back into bed to listen to the lecture in the background while lol-ing at TikToks. No walking to class in the harsh sunlight, no yucky minty toothpaste, and best yet, no worrying about running out of pants.

I know we all miss it, so I propose that we take our classes back to Zoom! How nice will it be when once again you can attend a week’s worth of classes all without changing clothes once. You may be thinking, “Mason, that’s ridiculous. That format of class was only used because of the pandemic and was an extremely ineffective way to actually learn material,” and to you I say, “Huh, what was that? I was actually on my phone, sorry, just say that one more time.” If you’re worried that there’s no good reason to go back to Zoom, I’m sure we could figure out how to create another pandemic.

So as I sit here in my 4 day old long Johns with my gartered socks, I implore you to consider my plight and reflect on a time where you could do absolutely nothing and literally no one could criticize you for it. Together we can get back to bed and take Union College from a hotbed of productivity and learning to the laziest campus in the country.

By Mason Piva