Who Let the Dawgs Out?
Hey hey hey U-Fam, you know who it is! I’m very excited to be writing for you again following my momentary (unlawful) imprisonment for my unique hobby. Um, how about letting people enjoy things? Now that I only have to worry about my little ankle monitor, I can finally get back behind the keyboard and report on the latest news. It looks like I got back in just the nick of time too, Union’s unveiling a brand new activity for students during finals week that I think you’ll all love. Check it out!
I know we’re all feeling the stress of upcoming finals and Union knows it too. Luckily, our amazing college has time and time again gone out of its way to care for the student body and this time is no different. How fun is it that during finals week, we get to go to the atrium and visit the therapy dogs? Well if you were looking forward to that, I’ve got bad news for you. Due to budget cuts caused by a writer’s strike in the comedy section of the Clocktower, Union can no longer afford to bring the planned 45 canines to the atrium. Luckily, they have worked around this little mishap and are planning an arguably better activity!
Rather than actual therapy dogs (which some people are scared of), Union is going to bring in a volunteer randomly selected from a statewide survey to chill in the atrium with his shoes off. Sure, there aren’t any friendly canines but this way we still get to see some dogs (slang for his little toesies). Now, you may be thinking that this is much less fun than the previous iteration but fear not, the experience is almost identical.
The dogs are still very friendly, still have a nice coat of fur, still appreciate being fed treats and most importantly LOVE being pet! Now since popularity for this event is sure to be through the woof, there will be an online queue that students can sign up for in order to make sure the atrium doesn’t get too packed with people trying to pet the dogs. Are you ready U-Fam, cause the dogs are coming to town! Note: Union College does not take any responsibility for a possible athlete’s foot outbreak.
By Mason Piva