Worst snow removal techniques

Winter is upon us. The arctic blast that recently swept the nation has brought out the best and the worst in those who have had to endure it. One of the dreaded tasks of living in Diet Siberia is clearing snow from your car and driveway. There are plenty of methods to remove it, but here are some methods you should NOT try:

Boiling Hot Water:

Your windshield is covered with a sheet of ice and your wiper fluid is a solid block. You have to drive to work, but you hate the idea of using an ice scraper. A lightbulb appears above your head and you boil some water. You enthusiastically pour the water on your windshield. You are happy to see the ice melting, but suddenly your windshield shatters into a thousand pieces. Now you have to make some poor mechanic replace your windshield in the cold. This scenario can be easily avoided by not copying what you see on the internet and not pouring boiling water on your windshield. Don’t go to the mechanic with your head hung in shame. Use that defroster. Though, I suppose you cannot have a frozen windshield if you have no windshield.

Flamethrower:

Ah, the classic you see in the news at least once a year — some pyromaniac from somewhere like Minnesota gets the bright idea to channel their inner World War I soldier and attack the enemy snow and ice with one of the craziest weapons known to man. Besides the obvious risk of using a ranged incendiary device, this is just plain overkill and straight-up illegal in many places. Instead of treating the Geneva Convention like a checklist and committing war crimes against your driveway, just buy a snowblower before you burn the neighborhood down. You are clearing your driveway, not fighting the French.

Gasoline:

If you decide to channel your inner Florida man and pour gasoline on your driveway and light it on fire as a means of snow removal, your local police department will likely come to have a chat with you, assuming you do not burn yourself alive. Not only would you be risking a fiery disaster, but the environment would hate you eternally. Your neighbors will be scared of you. Also, it is not the most economical method. I mean, have you seen those gas prices lately? You will just be burning money at that point (no pun intended). Needless to say, burning liquid gold is very dangerous and pricey. Don’t play with fire, kids. There are plenty of snow removal methods that do not run the risk of disaster. Snowblowers are one of mankind’s greatest achievements. Be smart out there.

By Evan Majors