Bottom of the barrel

Column like I see 'em

So I've been writing for The Clocktower for a couple years now, I think. I've written about a lot of things I'm passionate about, and I've written about a bunch of things because I was told to write about them. But of late I feel like I've been scraping the bottom of my idea barrel. 

I haven't been to a Union school event for like, a year and a half. I rarely eat at the caf, unless I'm broke and starving (which is surprisingly often). Since I've been in nursing school I feel like I no longer have my finger on the life blood of the school. Because of this, it's very difficult for me to find topics that are relevant to my readership (whoever you are).  To be fair, I could talk about my passions till I'm red in the face, but how much really do you want to read about movies, TV, board games and catheters?

I think what's best for me, and what's best for you, is for you to tell me what you want me to write about. For instance, someone could wrote in and ask, “Hey do you do all nighters? If so, how and when?” To which my response would be, “ No I don't.”

I'll always answer the question simply and to the point at first. I'll then follow up with my reasoning. “My brain shuts off around eight pm, so if I were to stay up for an all nighter, it would have to be doing passive activities. Something like watching a movie or having a one sided conversation, where I don't really need to be mentally present.”

I'll then offer an alternative if I have one. “In a situation where things need doing and I have to stay up, I'll go to bed at 8 and wake up around 2 or 3 in the morning to crank it out. That bit of sleep I get I'm the middle there really rests my brain, and I feel as though in the morning I can do anything.”

I'll then have a paragraph designed as a segway into the actual advice I'm preparing to give. 
“A lot of my best work is done minutes after waking up. Being up early isn't difficult but getting up is. Herein lies the secret:

“Set, like, a million alarms on your phone to go off sequentially, have your roommate hide your phone the night before, and make sure to pound a glass of something super tart like cranberry juice the second you awaken.”

Then, I have to offer real world examples of how I personally utilise the advice I've bequeathed unto you. “I actually use the spiced apple brews from the cafeteria, although I have to stockpile them in my own fridge because they keep selling out. “In doing these three things, you should be very awake; awake enough to do what you got to do plus more.”

I'll also occasionally drop some optional advice, a bit above and beyond what is actually required to answer your question so thoroughly. “Optionally, you could also buy Bluetooth lightbulbs that you can set to turn on at a specific time. Nothing says get up more peacefully than a slowly lit room. It's like the sun rising, but on your beckon call!

“Also, if a roommate is unavailable to you, you'll have a few options to choose from: Simply put your phone far enough away that the walk will rouse you, place your phone underneath something heavy that you'll have to move, like a bookshelf or something, or blindly throw your phone into the darkness from your bed.”

Then all that's left is the closing paragraph followed by the one sentence punch ending. I have and will always have a one sentence punch ending. Guaranteed. “I would say this system is far superior to the famed all nighter. Namely because there's sleep involved. That's the best all nighter you could ask for in my opinion.
“And I'll never do anything different.”

It would go something like that. 

My email is Write me, and I will respond via an ask Suzie article. I'll be Suzie, and you'll be ask. Otherwise, it'll be back to the barrel, and next week's article will be about me convincing you to start watching bad movies, because they actually rock. 

That might not be such a bad idea.

Kevin Niederman is a junior studying nursing.