New Research Finds Studying is Leading Cause of Death


I’m Sa-Tired


New research published Tuesday Sept. 12 found that studying is a leading cause of death among former college students. The study, published by the Research Institute of Lazy Students, has sent shock waves through educational circles and will likely have a significant impact on the structure of U.S. curriculum and even the school system itself. The longitudinal study followed the studying habits and longevity of 12.8 billion students over a period of 350 years.

The research found the actions associated with studying; including hunching over small-lettered books to read, sitting for hours in libraries, common areas or other study spots and stressing about everything, combine to create excessive wear and tear on the body which can shorten one’s lifespan up to 800 years.

“Adam lived 930 years and he never studied” commented lead researcher Darrell Donothing. In many locales the news met with favorable reception. Lana Harbor, the president of the board of education on Floodovia, a small island nation in the Pacific, stated, “We thank the Research Institute of Lazy Students for their groundbreaking work.

To ensure the continued health of our small island nation, we will look at revising our educational system and standards.” When asked about the specifics of her plan, she answered “We are going to outlaw school and have all of our students learn subsistence farming. Hopefully they will all live longer and happier lives, long enough even to see rising sea levels flood our nation. Oh, wait  ”

John Von Strong, Secretary of Education for the European nation of Grassglow, happily Tweeted “This is GREAT! Now I don’t have to try so hard at my job. Caribbean, here I come!!”

Grassglow which was declared an independent state three years ago by a group of 20 bankrupt fishermen, supposedly includes parts of Germany, Austria and Italy and is not recognized by the EU or given any worthwhile attention by anyone.

However not all reactions were positive. The University of the Roaring Tigers, a Division III school that caters to washed-up-but-still-hopeful college athletes said in a statement, “We are very disappointed in this biased research, which was published without regard for the truth.

We will continue to hold our students to the highest educational standards, because that is the right thing to do. (Yes, we do require athletes to show up to class. No, professors did not just give athletes “A’s” because those athletes did well in our sports program.) GO TIGERS GO!!”

Max Bromme is a junior business administration.