Disclaimer: This article is apart of a special April Fools' Day publication called The Mocktower. No factual information is contained within this article.
Hello, my name is Buckyton McNutty III and I’m not sure how I got to Union, however, all I can really remember is eating acorns and running for my life half the time from some giant hairless squirrels with no tails. Jared from the tree next door calls them “people” but I just think they’re mutant squirrels that are too big live to live in trees. Although, I have learned some things from these mutant squirrels. For instance, when I looked through a window of one of their concrete dreys I saw them playing a game on a magic moving picture box and learned how to escape from predators. When running away from the campus owl I run in a zigzag formation, so it can’t swoop me up and eat me. It's worked well so far. I also appreciate the free food dispensers placed all over campus and how the mutant squirrels always donate their food every single day. I don’t really feel like school is for me because I hear that the mutant squirrels dissect other animals for fun. However, I want to become a DJ and call myself the Nutty Professor and teach everyone what real music sounds like. Squirrel life moves pretty fast and if I don’t stop to take some time and enjoy it I might just miss out. Union has given me a great life so far and I know God has plans for me since I haven’t fallen out of a tree or gotten eaten by the owl yet, so he must have plans for me.
Buckyton McNutty III is an astronut studying how to be a pine artist.