UNL-Union Merger to test Principals
Disclaimer: This article is apart of a special April Fools' Day publication called The Mocktower. No factual information is contained within this article.
Earlier this year, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln ran into financial difficulty because of declining revenues from Husker games. After seeking assistance from other colleges in the area, the University committee decided that they either needed to be bought out or would shut down. The University began to search for campuses to take its students.
Committee President Lee Former stated that “We [on the committee] thought long and hard about what might be the best fit for our students, and because Union College runs on faith and alumni funding, it seems like there could be no better choice.”
In addition, there have been complaints about UNL’s location, including claims it’s too far north causing “terrible winter chill and fierce corn-allergy attacks”. The committee agreed that Union’s more central, southern location will prove more beneficial for the students’ long term health.
Because of the influx of athletic talent, Union Athletic Director Slic Raulding is excited to announce that Warriors Football will now be competing in NCAA Division I as the first ever flag football team. He also announced that all upcoming Saturday games for this year will take place on Sunday.
“Husker sports have been a huge part of Lincoln culture,” UNL Coach Bauhler explains, “and I think our athletes will be proud to continue that tradition as Union College Warriors.” Husker football practices and games will take place on the new home field: 49er’s field. Concerns have been voiced about visibility, parking, and the lack of goal posts, which Union College is immediately addressing.
Union College President Sinita Vauder is pleased to announce the introduction of the new Warriors color. “We have decided that red has been the Warrior color for just too long, and after a unanimous committee vote, we have decided for a drastic change.” When asked about the exact shade, Dr. Vauder replied, “The decision is still up in the air, but cherry, ruby and scarlet are just some names we’ve been deciding among.”
Both Union and UNL’s annual homecoming will also be combined to take place the same weekend, and will start off with Union College’s first ever marching choir, baton twirler and all.
This merger will lead to an unprecedented influx of students, throwing Union’s enrollment rate through the roof and making it the largest Adventist school. The recruiting department is temporarily suspended; Union is already over capacity. The suspension will be re-evaluated in two years.. The recruiting staff will be temporarily transferred to the new Student Success Center.
Students are now being offered the ability to have three roomates, a popular option that wasn’t possible before. “My roommate and I can barely fill our room every year, so we are excited to share our room with two more people.” Mini Malistic shared.
New classes will also be offered next fall. HMNT 267 Do I Clap or Say Amen, taught weekly by Fuell Bogg, and CAFE 377 When to Substitute Beans for Meat are two examples from our newly designed class list.
Cafeteria hours will stay the same. However students will only be allowed 5.64 minutes to eat. Head cook reports, “We still are going to uphold the same principles we had before, we just hope we don’t go broke trying to maintain the haystack bar.” In addition, Union still will not be serving real meat or coffee.
The takeover date is scheduled tentatively for April first because of UNL’s tight schedule and desperate need for cash.
Kasondra Reel is a senior studying nursing.