Sorry, Not Sorry

PC: Kayla Potts

PC: Kayla Potts


Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!


I’ve had to try so hard not to include spoilers in my articles this entire year and I’m sick of it. I decided to quickly review some of the more popular movies in theaters right now. Don’t worry though, no spoilers ahead.

“Captain Marvel:”

Through the movie we get to know a younger, more fun side of Nick Fury, but in an end credit scene we see him out in the middle of a desolate field shoveling dirt into a shallow pit. The camera pans in slowly, pushing past Fury to reveal a DEAD Nick Fury in the grave as words go across the screen: “The Invasion Begins.”

Side Theory: How crazy would it be if everyone on earth was a skrull but they’ve been at it so long they just assume everyone else is human so earth is just a planet of skrulls pretending to be human but there are no humans left …


The entity that is “Shazam” turns out to be an evil Wizard constantly looking for younger hosts to transfer his consciousness into so he can continue to live forever, ending the lives of children for centuries—all for his selfish quest for immortality.

“How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World:”

Grimmel the Grisly turns out to be Hiccup’s long-lost uncle on his mother’s side, but in an effort to protect the dragons and everything she loves, Hiccup’s mom, Valka,  has to kill her younger brother in a heart-wrenching and epic scene.

“Five Feet Apart:”

I’m sure a lot of you have seen trailers for this movie and are expecting some sweet, heart-warming love story of two sick and dying teenagers like “The Fault In Our Stars.” You’re dead wrong—HA, puns.

Cole Sprouse turns out to be gay and, devastated by the fact she’ll never be with the guy she loves, Haley Lu Richardson sacrifices her spot on the donors list to let him live, ultimately leading to her death. SHOCKING TWIST: his body rejects the transplant and he passes away weeks later.

“Isn’t It Romantic:”

You see Liam Hemsworth’s butt. (Check the mirror reflection.)

“The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part:”

We all know Chris Pratt plays multiple characters in this lego film—including raptor trainer Owen from “Jurassic World”—but what you DON’T know is that his most beloved character, Andy Dwyer, makes an appearance! Keep an eye out for a little April and Andy cameo in the film.

“Alita: Battle Angel:”

The dog saves the day!

-Your Slightly-Salty Neighborhood Movie Guy

P.S. How many of you actually googled to see if Hemsworth’s butt was in “Isn’t It Romantic?”

Nicholas Morrison is a senior studying graphic design.