Navigating Disagreements in a New Relationship: How to Fight Fair

Fights are inevitable in any long-term successful relationship. Learning how to fight fair can make a relationship healthier and bring you and your partner closer together. Next time you and your partner get into an argument, consider some of the rules below to help you both navigate the difficult situation.

1. Listen to your partner. This sounds self-explanatory, but think about it. When arguing with your partner, are you listening to respond or actually hearing them? Much of conflict arises out of miscommunication. Listening and discovering where this miscommunication happened can help you both figure out the problem and attack it together. Don’t listen to defend yourself. Listen to understand your partner.

2. Attack the problem, not the person. Sometimes during a fight, you may forget that it’s the two of you against the problem. Don’t attack each other. Both of you most likely have different strengths, so go after the problem together from different angles. You’ll be more likely to make it work. Identifying the problem can be tricky.

3. Find common ground. You are obviously dating this person for a reason. Stepping back from the situation and finding a small part of the problem that you agree on can help you establish common ground and help you feel connected. For example, let’s say you are arguing about hot salsa vs mild salsa. You both like salsa, it’s just the details that you disagree on. Establishing the common ground can help you see that you’re not that different.

4. Don’t say things you don’t mean. It is extremely difficult to keep your cool and not say mean things in the middle of a fight, but refrain from doing so. Saying them will make things worse and may create wounds that will last much longer than the actual argument. Instead, if you are angry, take a few minutes to cool off by yourself and regain your composure before continuing the conversation.

5. Agree to disagree. Sometimes it is impossible to agree. It may be better to just let it go and agree to disagree. This only works if you both actively agree to this. Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean that the topic won’t be brought up again. It does mean that you and your partner have decided that you’re capable of respecting each other’s opinions enough to not fight about the issue anymore.

Relationships are amazing, and a lot of work. Fighting is a completely normal part of the experience, but learning how to fight fair can increase the likelihood that your relationship succeeds. So go on, argue about that stupid thing that has been causing you problems lately. Just remember that you care about your partner, so fight fair!

Kaitlynn Toay is a Senior

English Major from

Edgeley, North Dakota