Learning to Apologize: Saying I'm Sorry
No matter how strong your relationship is, you will eventually make a mistake. It’s inevitable. How we respond to these mistakes strongly influences the outcome of our relationships. Apologizing is a vital component to any strong relationship. It helps repair the damage, but it can be a difficult process. Below are a few tips on how to apologize effectively.
Know what you did that hurt your partner.
Ask your partner what exactly it was that you did to hurt them and then spend some time working through what happened. Remember to listen for the sake of listening, not responding. Being self-aware and understanding your motives will help you avoid making the mistake again and can help your partner understand how you made that decision, even if they don’t agree. In most cases, acknowledging what you did and trying to avoid making the mistake in the future can help smooth things over.
Avoid using accusatory statements.
Statements like “You made me feel” or “You always say that” do not belong in an apology. These shift the blame onto someone else and take away from what you are trying to say. You are apologizing for your part in the argument. Keep your apology focused on your actions and feelings.
It is you and your partner against the problem.
This problem is not a member of your relationship. You and your partner are. Think of the problem as a short-term obstacle that you have to work through together. You are not arguing against each other. Now is the time to unite and argue against the problem.
Come into the discussion open-minded.
Give yourself some time to cool off and think rationally about the mistake you made. Give your partner some space as well. When you’re both ready, you can come together and discuss. If one partner is not ready, the conversation may spiral into an emotional state very quickly and less will be accomplished. Support your partner and let them know you care about them but give them the space they need. Better yet, ask your partner what they need and respect their wishes.
Apologizing is never easy. In fact, it’s one of the biggest obstacles in a relationship, as both sides desire to feel heard and understood. Coming into the conversation with animosity and tension will ultimately cause the conversation to go nowhere. Remember to listen to your partner and work through the problem together. Many issues can be solved with a good apology and a listening ear.
Kaitlynn Toay is a senior
English major from
Edgeley, N.D.