New Year, New Santa?: An Interview Series

For those who celebrate it, Christmas is a magical time. However, there are many things that I’ve always wondered about and after 20 years, I decided to do something about my questions.

I reached out to Santa Claus on a whim, and surprisingly, after six business days, I heard back and got an exclusive interview with the legend himself — Santa deniers, checkmate.

Me: Wow, Mr. Claus, it is truly an honor. Thank you for taking the time to do this interview.

Mr. Claus: Ho, ho, ho! It’s nice to be able to change my routine a bit. And please, call me Santa.

Me: Okay, so Santa, there has been recent controversy over whether or not you are real, which is kinda weird since I’m talking to you … but anyways, how do you respond to that?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! I mean, what’s next? The American Dream is a lie? Who are these people? Let me guess, they’re from the lower class levels? 

Me: What? What does that— 

Santa: Well, you know, there are priorities in my gift deliveries and well, sometimes we just don’t get around to everyone. I can see why they might not believe in me.

Me: … Oh? Um, let’s move on. I don’t know how much you can disclose, but how exactly do you do it? How do you make so many gifts, and deliver them worldwide in one night? 

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Well, I used to rely heavily on magic, but after the melting ice caps destroyed my workshop I had to come up with a new work model. With industrialization and globalization, it worked out perfectly. I have several factories in Asia where I have my elves working 24/7 under human supervision — humans are the best at putting efficiency over anything else; it’s so inspiring — and as for how I deliver the presents, given the unemployment rate around the world, NDAs, and Uber, it’s never been more efficient! 

Me: Wait, so you don’t even deliver anymore? I mean, that’s who you are!

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Times change and you change with them. Look at what runs your world. Once you reach a certain level of influence, you’re not the one working; those under you are. It’s about what resources you control and well, I am Christmas. Simple economics.

Me: You’ve lost yourself! Christmas is about giving and family! And why do you keep saying “ho, ho, ho”? 

Santa: A new elf is born everytime I say it, and our current production model goes through elves pretty quickly so … and no, I haven’t lost myself; I’ve just adapted to modernity.

Me: … I think I’m done here, Mr. Claus. 

Mr. Claus: Funny, I was about to say the same thing. Well, merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Sometimes what we believe exists really doesn’t, and what we don’t believe or don’t want to believe is what really exists. What a bummer, Santa. What a bummer.

Sammy Ortiz is a junior

nursing major

from Orlando, Fla.