The Elephant in the Zoom: A Look at Events in an Alternate Universe

Disclaimer: The writer does not claim to be an authority on stocks or business decisions and is therefore not liable for any economic mishaps on the reader’s part.

January 14, 2021 

10:47 a.m.

SAN FRANCISCO – I am no business major, nor am I the son of business people, but if I were to be looking for something to invest in right now, I would put it all on Zoom stock. Stock prices have skyrocketed following this morning’s announcement that the presidential inauguration will take place over Zoom due to “safety and COVID-19 concerns.” President-elect Joe Biden’s inaugural team has yet to reveal all the details as to how this will work, but from what we know, there will be set intervals at which links will be sent out so that every American has the chance to get on the Zoom Inauguration “meeting” at one point. 

Our sources also tell us there is an ongoing debate between the inauguration team and the current administration over budgeting. After the inauguration team asked for funds to purchase Zoom premium and suggested reallocating some funds from the military budget, the current administration reportedly said, “That’s ridiculous” and “We’ll see if we can get something from the Department of Education budget.” From these reports, we can assume that the inauguration will be, in fact, held over multiple, 40-minute meeting rooms. 

As this will be the first virtual inauguration, President Trump appears to be interested in being a part of such a historic event; being the president of many firsts, he seems to want to add to his list before his final days in office. He has announced through the White House twitter account that he will indeed be attending the inauguration. The problem, however, is the fact that President Trump currently finds himself banned from Zoom, following the mass movement of companies/entities that have blocked or banned the President, among those being Banana Republic, American Airlines, Taylor Swift and the island of Bali. The President has wasted no time and is currently suing Zoom, seeking to reverse the ban just for inauguration day. One of our sources close to the President says he is considering using his son’s school account and crashing the inauguration ceremony if the lawsuit fails in court.

While stock market indicators predicted this legal battle between Zoom and Trump would have a negative effect on its stocks, we are seeing the exact opposite, with the battle over the ban raising the stock’s “desirability,” especially among Democrats. Zoom is now the leading company on the stock market and is projected to get even bigger as more government functions try to adapt to Zoom. Who knows, we might even be voting over Zoom in the next election!

In other possibly related news, Skype is filing for bankruptcy and its CEO has announced plans to write a book titled “14 Years Ahead and We Still Blew It.”

5:37 p.m.

Update: The court has decided to reverse Zoom’s ban just for inauguration day. In this image leaked by a source working at Zoom headquarters, President Trump and President-elect Biden are receiving a crash course on how to use Zoom.

Sammy Ortiz is a junior

nursing major from

Orlando, Fla.