Elderly pickleballer ring found in missile silo during spring break

What’s the big “dill?”

While most of the students at Union College were blissfully spring-breaking across the country, the thread of a new and horrifying criminal threat was unraveling in the rurals of our home away from home. On Saturday night, March 11, an underground pickleball tournament was raided by LPD at the abandoned nuclear missile silos of eastern Nebraska. This report aligns with increasing crime rates in communities across metropolitan Lincoln and poses a unique threat to the rule of Nebraskan law. 

In recent times, pickleball has taken the midwestern recreational scene by storm. As the moderate middle sibling of ping pong and tennis, the sport is inclusive to players of all ages. First on the pickleball scene was the elderly population, who used it as a form of cardiovascular exercise and hand-eye coordination practice. In recent years, pickle fever has spread to younger demographics. 

At 12:11 a.m. on the night of the bust, LPD was tipped off by a noise complaint. While the caller chose to remain anonymous, they were most likely a concerned farmer from the area or a rival badminton fan, passionately opposed to pickleball on principle. Upon arrival, LPD officers were met with a shocking scene. Sustin Dauder, one of the officers who carried out the raid, shared a few words describing his experience. 

“It isn’t too unexpected to get an anonymous tip or noise complaint. There’s nothing more valuable to Nebraskans than their peace and quiet. We don’t get too many noise complaints from the rurals though. What are they going to complain about? Cows getting’ too talkative? The wind rattling the cornstalks? I surely wasn’t expecting to see around a hundred screaming fans packed like sardines around a pickleball match.”

Officer Dauder also mentioned a peculiarity regarding the players themselves. 

“They were all elderly folk. Looked to be around 70 on average if I had to guess. But, man, could those seniors pickle! No wonder there was a crowd! Might’ve been tempted to spectate myself if I wasn’t on duty.” 

At this point, a diligent reader would no doubt question the illegality of the tournament. What’s so harmful about some twilight pickleball among senior citizens? The official LPD report outlines the specific charges, which included trespassing, illegal gambling, and possession of illegal substances. Additionally, almost all of the elderly picklers were in violation of their nursing home curfew regulations.  

While the majority of onlookers, bookies, and vendors evaded arrest amid the chaos of the raid, many of the elderly players — unable to run very fast — were taken in. One impressively agile player, Pancy Netta, was projected by many to win the tournament and exclaimed, “I should’ve kept my teaching job!” to reporters while being carried by three officers to the nearest police car.

By: Sidney Needles