Netflix to form new law enforcement agency

Keep your password to yourself

For some time now, rumors circulated that Netflix was looking into how they could stop users from sharing their passwords with their families and friends. Initially, Netflix planned to link users' accounts to their respective IP addresses so that no one outside their households could use them. However, after much ridicule, Netflix has decided to take a different approach.

On March 22, 2023, Netflix's co-chief executive officer Ted Sarandos made a shocking announcement. "We know that many users that read our announcement last month wondered how we would enforce our new password-sharing policy," said Sarandos. "After much deliberation, we have decided to launch the Netflix Terms of Service Enforcement Agency."

According to Sarandos, the NTSEA will function much like the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, but the NTSEA will solely protect Netflix's interest. By the end of 2023, Netflix hopes to hire approximately 3,000 special agents to travel the country to arrest those who attempt to share their password or use someone else's password.

The United States Government quickly responded to Netflix's bold strategy of assembling its own personal law enforcement agency. "Netflix can’t possibly expect to send armed officers, unregulated by the United States Department of Justice, into civilian homes for something that does not violate federal anti-piracy laws without consequence," said United States Attorney General Merrick Garland at a recent press conference.

Netflix’s other co-CEO, Greg Peters, quickly responded. “I know that many people are concerned about the law enforcement agency Netflix is in the process of organizing. However, we must find an effective way to crack down on password-sharing. It cannot continue. At one time, Netflix encouraged password-sharing, but that’s so 2017. Why allow password-sharing when we could force everyone to purchase a subscription? We here at Netflix love money! We need to increase our profits because we’re not making enough. Ted and I are multi-millionaires in a world of billionaires, and that’s just not fair.”

The NTSEA and the DOJ are already butting heads. FBI director Christopher Wray has issued a warning to Netflix, saying, “If Netflix chooses to move forward with the establishment of the NTSEA, the FBI will have no choice but to get involved.”

“We all know that the FBI is all bark and no bite when it comes to anti-piracy,” said Peters. “If you want something done right, do it yourself!”

Only time will tell if the NTSEA comes to fruition, but it seems that we are entering a new era of the streaming wars.

By: Evan Majors