Catalytic converter thief caught
Good morning students of Union College. We here at Lincoln Stone News are here to bring you a shocking update on a long-term crime spree occurring on campus. Over the last year, catalytic converter thefts have skyrocketed on campus leaving many students with suspiciously loud cars. Though the situation seemed bleak, through rigorous investigation and constant monitoring of the parking lot, the culprit was apprehended and is awaiting trial as we speak. Who, you may ask, was responsible for this rampant thievery? Mason Ignacio Piva, famously known for his gut-busting comedy section of “The Clocktower.”
Though this news may come as a shock to some, those close to Piva attested that this behavior was on brand for him. One anonymous source is quoted saying, “Mason was the thief? Yeah that makes sense, he’s freaky like that.” Another witness also said the following, “Wow, you think you know a guy. Mason actually just recently helped fix my car and it was running louder than ever. Just goes to show you can’t trust anyone these days.” Many others had encounters with Piva but were too scared to say anything because, “He’s a weird man, like I think if he found out I talked to you guys about this, he’d attack me with his 3-foot long pet rat that has a taste for humans.”
The Lincoln Stone also wants to recognize the heroic officers who apprehended Mason late last Saturday night. As Mason was walking around the parking lot looking for a car to steal a converter from, 34 brave officers cornered him against the Advent Source building and held him until backup could arrive. When the officers attempted to cuff him, however, Mason immediately lunged for the officer’s service weapon and was shot 439 times in the big toes. Unfortunately, he was then taken to the hospital where he made a full recovery. During his time in the ER, officers searched his home where they discovered 22 catalytic converters in his bathroom. Reports say that most of them were stored in the shower meaning that it had not been used in at least 9 months. Mason is now out of the hospital and has been placed in solitary confinement where he will stay until his trial in late October of 2026. Experts say that he will most likely be getting 25-to-life, a fair sentence for an abhorrent human being such as him. Thanks for reading, and we hope to hear your thoughts on the issue.
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By Mason Piva