The squirrel army causes chaos!
Lincoln. A normal city in the beautiful state of Nebraska; right in the middle of the country. Nothing could go wrong, right? Unbeknownst to the people of Lincoln, something major is happening under everyone's nose. Something small, but large in numbers. Weak, but strong together. Cute, but fearless at times. It’s squirrels.
A couple of weeks ago, local law enforcement received reports of increased sounds and property damage around a neighborhood. Residents within the neighborhood reported damaged property such as holes in walls, electric cables being chewed in half, destroyed wall insulation, and destroyed gardens and kitchens. A great amount of cash was also stolen. The trend of destruction continued for a while as investigators tried to identify the root cause and the figure responsible for all the chaos.
On Saturday, March 16th, local authorities followed a group of squirrels who had suspicious colored tags on them. Some had a red tag while the others had blue. Eventually, this led to the discovery of Marv, a resident of the neighborhood who had been secretly raising an army of well-trained squirrels each with different tasks. When questioned as to what the reasoning behind his actions, Marv replied, “You see these squirrels are smarter than you think, a normal person sees a squirrel and thinks ‘Oh, hey that’s cute,’ but an intellectual like myself would think these little fluffy tails can help with many things. Oh, and I love causing chaos.”
According to a resident by the name of Harry, “I never would have thought that my own neighbor could have ever come up with such a crazy idea. Like, who even thinks about raising and keeping that many squirrels under their house?!” Harry also adds, “So far I’ve spent almost a grand trying to fix up the damage these little critters have caused me! They tore a hole in my wall, ate up my well-managed garden ... they even went for my new tires for goodness sake!”
After the events, the squirrels were taken away to be released into the wild and Marv was fined $5,000. However, it is rumored that there are more squirrel facilities hidden away. According to Officer Jim, “I never thought that in my 25 years of being in the police department, I’d catch a man making a personal squirrel army. I’m getting too old for this.”
By Robert Tengker