Fire New Drill Schedule

Things are getting heated!

This just in, Union Adventist University has announced a new fire drill schedule for all U-Fam to recognize and adhere to effective immediately! Though fire drills have been held scarcely and at random in the past, administration feels that it is more effective if students regularly practice these drills in order to become familiar with all of the procedures. In order to make sure there’s still a bit of unexpectedness to the fire drills, they will be held much more frequently than they had been before.

Starting this month there will be on average 2 fire drills per week that the student body, including those living off campus, will need to participate in on the Union Adventist University campus. These drills can take place at any time during the day, yes that includes during classes and late at night. For example, on Sunday, October 6rd there will be a fire drill at 4 am that all Union students will be required to attend. As the safety and well-being of students is Union’s utmost priority, any failure to attend these drills will result in an automatic decrease of 5% in all of the offending student’s classes in order to highlight the true importance of these drills.

Though many may feel that these drills are “inconvenient,” “ridiculous,” or “unfair,” attending the drills on time and at every occurrence is less inconvenient than being turned into a human BigFrank in the event of an actual fire/explosion. Another way that Union is taking safety to the next level is to introduce randomness and an actual sense of danger to the drills themselves. Certain dorms will be subject to a “controlled” burn which will help to show how real the danger really is. Another method will be to block several exits and implement a few dozen crisis actors to every drill that will play the parts of terrified and unhinged victims of the event and add realistic chaos.

The final way that Union is making sure the drills show that accidents can happen at any time is to have them occur over breaks. Now Union understands that many students travel great distances to go home for breaks and won’t require them to travel back for these drills to avoid inconvenience so instead these students will be required to attend in the metaverse and sit in front of an open over to stimulate the heat. I for one can’t wait for this spicy new change and look forward to all of the learning I’ll be able to do during the 25 drills occurring this semester. Stay on your toes and always remember, safety first!

by Mason Piva