Procrastination Made Easy

Putting things off and getting stressed out

U-Fam, my humblest apologies for leaving you high and dry last week. I know it must have been heartbreaking to read through the Clocktower and to not have the scrumptious dessert that is my article waiting for you at the end once you’ve read all of the actual informative articles. Though I did fail to meet your expectations last week, it has given me ample time to prepare some real bangers for the future and gave me inspiration for today’s article in particular. 

Procrastination is something that every college student has done many times before and will continue to do until the day you turn that little golden tassel. Those evenings up late, lit only by the blue light from your laptop frantically going through notes for tomorrow’s exam which, lets face it, you really should have been studying for about a week prior. What’s the fun in that though? Picking up a textbook or reading my notes is not fun so why the hecking darn should I do it before it’s absolutely necessary? Sure I could study for a few hours every day and space it all out to be nice and digestible but that would deny me the thrill and mental challenge that is absorbing five chapters of material all in one night.

Ah yes, there is nothing as refreshing as sitting down at your desk and realizing that if you will not be moving from that spot for the next seven hours while you toil and say to yourself “If I had a time machine I would backhand myself from a week ago like a mafioso when he decided to keep putting this off.” How humbling it is to feel the cortisol levels rise in your system while you read the same information over and over realizing that at 3am, not much of this information will be retained. 

Now this doesn’t only work for exams, oh no, you can procrastinate with anything when you delude yourself into thinking you can work at about five times the rate of a normal person. 5-page lab report due at midnight, sure you can start that at 10:30 pm, I’m positive you’ll have no issue writing all of that information legibly in pen while you frantically check the time every 30 seconds. 

Keep on fighting the good fight U-fam, get those assignments turned in on time by the skin of your teeth and cram about eight chapters of information in your head over the course of a single night without sleep and I’m sure you’ll see results fast. Soon, your hairline will be retracting like its low tide and the dark circles under your eyes will make you look like a bonafide member of the Adams Family just in time for the season which shall not be named. 

by Mason Piva