The purr-fect president comes to Union College

Union College's leap into the future of higher education has led to new, exciting and unexpected policies that ALL students are required to implement. Our new feline president, SirPurrs Alott, was officially sworn into his position as president of Union on April 2, 2024. This historic moment was not only a major step for education but also for cat kind. President SirPurrs Alott, an orange tabby manx mix with a PhD in Purr-sian Literature and a minor in Catnip Economics, has already begun implementing a series of radical reforms aimed at making the college more inclusive for its now present day, majority cat population. “All students will be required to impurr-ment the given policies. Failure to follow these rules will end in severe purr-nishment and likely expulsion.” Said Mr. Alott. We highly recommend that all students happily follow these rules to keep our campus a loving and welcoming place.

Among the innovative policies being rolled out is the mandatory surgical addition of cat ears for all faculty, staff and students. According to President SirPurrs Alott, this bold move will foster a deeper sense of empathy and unity among the college community. Donors argue the feasibility of such a procedure, but the administration assures that a team of highly skilled veterinarians and cosmetic surgeons have been assembled to ensure the transition is as smooth and painless as possible.

In a move that has financial analysts scratching their heads, tuition payments will now be accepted exclusively in sardines. This policy has led to a surge in the fishing industry and a promise in focused efforts to sardine production. When asked about the sustainability of this new financial model, President SirPurrs Alott simply purred and knocked a pen off the table, which analysts are still trying to interpret. Our infrastructure will also be undergoing significant changes, with traditional toilets being replaced by state-of-the-art litter boxes. This eco-friendly initiative is expected to save gallons of water each year, although the logistics of litter management during finals week remains a topic of heated debate.

In an exclusive interview, President SirPurrs Alott stated, “These changes are just the beginning. We aim to create an environment where every student and faculty member feels like they have a place to curl up and feel at home.” When pressed for further details on future policies, the president excused himself to chase a laser pointer dot that had mysteriously appeared on the wall. Union College stands at the forefront of what could be a revolution in higher education. Only time will tell if these bold strategies pay off, but for now, President SirPurrs Alott’s leadership has the college purring with anticipation.

By Kira Kugler