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The screen is supreme

How’s it going U-Fam, it's your boy Mason back with another banging article and today, we’re gonna have a very special topic, that being how to regulate our screen time! Before we get into that though I want to shout out our very special sponsor the Union Cafe, “When you need some sodium fast, you can always rely on the Union Cafe!”  Now that that’s taken care of, we can get into the guide on how to regulate that pesky screen time and make sure that we are spending as much time as humanly possible on those wonderful phones of ours.

“Wait, a guide to spend more time on the phone? Usually, it's the opposite,” I hear you say before offering you a breath mint. Yes folks, more time. Are we really spending upwards of a thousand big ones just to find ways to use it less? That just makes no sense to me, if I have to spend all that money to get the most recent iPhone, you can bet your sweet heinie that I’m gonna use it for as much time as I can before I have to get the next one in 6 months. Now firstly, the best and most efficient way to get that screen time up is to use any free time to doomscroll through short-form content on TikTok, Instagram reels, or if you’re a barbarian, YouTube shorts. Short-form content is a surefire way to fry your brain cells while magically teleporting yourself 3 hours into the future. Now that’s efficiency. Now what if you are doing some other meaningless task such as eating, doing homework, or having your weekly shower? Well that’s where YouTube really shines, you can find loads of hour-long videos on literally any topic on that website. Want to see an in-depth look at a niche subject you’ve only heard of 3 times, bam! 45-minute video essay right before your eyes.

The best part of increased screen time is that all of these apps generate an algorithm as you watch so they can recommend content that you’re gonna want to watch, thereby making it easier to increase your screen time even more, how thoughtful! The more you scroll, the more your phone knows you, the more content you watch, the more people you follow, the more you compare yourself to them and the happier you become! So sit or lay down, grab that phone, plug it in, grab some potato chips from the couch and get ready to scroll! Thanks for reading through to the end, make sure to hit that like button, subscribe to the clocktower, and we will see you next time!

by Mason Piva