Wack Friday

Deals to Die For

Black Friday, more like wack Friday amirite U-Fam? How long has it been since you’ve actually been excited for Black Friday festivities? Lord knows it's been at least a decade for myself. It used to be that you would scarf down Thanksgiving dinner as fast as possible so that you and a few other family members could dash over to Best Buy to camp out for the night so you could get a new flatscreen for the price of a McDouble today. Now however, we are forced to actually enjoy our meal and socialize with family because to be honest, the deals really aren’t what they used to be.

The Black Friday I knew had deals that people were willing to DIE over. Don’t believe me? I once saw a man lose 7 fingers trying to pry a 75% off Ninja blender from the hands of a soccer mom. It didn’t stop at adults either, if you brought your children to these stores that’s on you. If I find it advantageous to boot your child across the store to get you away from the crock pots, little Timmy is going long. Nowadays it's “frowned upon” to have massive hordes of people brawling over appliances and tearing each other’s hair out but really, what’s more American than that?

Really the root of the problem is that deals like the days of old just don’t exist anymore. Oh wow Target, how bold, 12% off of one toothbrush when you buy 3, come on, do you really expect me to brutalize a senior citizen for that? Get freakin’ real! Even worse, Black Friday isn’t even the solitary monolith of savings that it used to be. Cyber Monday? Prime Day? Get those pretenders out of here, if the extent you went to get your holiday deals was logging into your Amazon account and clicking a few times, “Hawk-pituey,” I spit on you! (It comes out of my mouth with a glowing orange color and burns as it hits you.)

The absence of good deals on Black Friday and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. This issue is of the utmost importance to me because it was a holiday where everyone got to come together, let loose, get primal and it truly was raw darwinian strength that would get you the best deals. So let’s bring it back U-Fam, this Black Friday lets fight like we’re the third chimp getting on Noah’s ark, and brother… it's starting to rain.

by Mason Piva