Procrastination epidemic: Students perfect the art of delayed productivity
Procrastination is no longer just a bad habit—it’s a lifestyle. As students across the nation master the fine art of delaying responsibilities until the last possible second, experts are beginning to question whether productivity was ever really the goal. With the academic year drawing to a close, the battle against deadlines has reached its peak, and students everywhere are bravely fighting the urge to care.
"I can only get things done if I do them last minute," confessed one student, scrolling mindlessly through social media. "There’s just not enough time in my day between my required dilly-dallying and lollygagging—both of which are crucial to my well-being." Another student added, "I can only listen to lectures if I'm watching Subway Surfer Gameplay." Indeed, procrastination is proving to be less of a problem and more of an art form.
For those looking to refine their craft, here’s a step-by-step guide to the foolproof method of putting things off until it’s nearly too late.
The definitive stages of procrastination
Phase one: The “this time will be different” delusion
At the start of the semester, students are filled with grand ambitions. They wake up early, prepare nutritious breakfasts, and even highlight their planners with color-coded urgency levels. This phase lasts approximately 42 minutes before they “accidentally” fall into a three-hour scroll through TikTok, where they ironically watch videos about productivity hacks that will supposedly change their lives.
Phase two: The “I should research… something” distraction
As deadlines inch closer, students enter the research phase—but not on their assignments. Instead, they delve into existential inquiries such as “Can squirrels get bored?” and “How many stalks of corn are there in Nebraska right now?” While none of this information will make it into their essays, it does provide crucial conversation starters for future procrastination-fueled existential crises.
Phase three: The adrenaline-fueled speed run
With just an hour left, students experience an epiphany—they have, in fact, done absolutely nothing. Fueled by caffeine and panic, they enter a frenzied typing session, relying on Google searches like “How to make a paper sound smarter” and “Does using big words trick professors?” They strategically insert unnecessary adjectives and footnotes, praying that sheer word count will compensate for a lack of substance. Just before the deadline, they submit their masterpiece—a triumph of speed over quality.
Phase four: The “it’s fine, everything’s fine” coping mechanism
Upon submission, students convince themselves that effort is overrated. “I did my best,” they mutter, despite knowing full well that their best work was sacrificed in the name of a four-hour YouTube binge. The waiting game begins, and they brace for feedback that will either confirm their worst fears or miraculously validate their questionable work ethic.
The bigger picture: Should we even fight it?
As procrastination continues its reign, the real question emerges: Is this just how life is meant to be? Some argue that deadlines exist purely to be flirted with, while others believe procrastination is simply a misunderstood art. Either way, students have become the true masters of doing everything except what they should be doing.
One thing remains certain—assignments will be completed, just not a moment before they absolutely have to be. And that, dear readers, is the secret to academic success.
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By: Olivia Sweet