Resolution Revolution
New year… worse me
Happy Spring Semester U-Fam! What a wonderful break that was, spending time with family, opening Christmas presents, perhaps even smooching that special someone on New Years Eve? Speaking of the new year, it’s officially 2025 and that means that we are almost a quarter of the way through this century! Such a cool thought and I hope all of us make it to see the next one, not me of course as I will be frozen in my cryogenic pod waiting for the next millenia.
With the new year comes a plethora of new possibilities for each one of us to explore in the form of the New Years Resolution. Maybe you’ve dedicated yourself to maintaining that coveted 4.0 GPA this semester or perhaps you’re looking to hit the gym and get that body ready to hit the beach come summer. Whatever your goal, we can all agree that the new year is a prime opportunity to begin a journey of self improvement. Or if you’re me, self worsening.
Yes, you heard me right U-Fam, this year my goal is to take myself down a few notches because I have simply become too cool, too amazing, and if you’ll excuse me, too awesome. Now I’m sure some of you are in that same boat (maybe not quite on my level but I’ll give it to you) so here’s how we’re gonna do it! First of all, we gotta get that screen time up pronto, I won't accept anything less than double digits per day. I'm talking 2018 Lebron numbers of screentime. Next we really just gotta cut out all physical activity, especially when it takes place outdoors. If You could just get to the point where you’re fused to a surface and you see a couple mushrooms growing, you’re golden or um, molden.
Now that we’ve got those covered we gotta work on that diet. If you have anything besides beige foods on that plate you’re doing it wrong and if one molecule of fiber enters your body, just try again in 2026. Finally, the crème de la crème is to just start cutting people off for no reason and gaslight them into thinking it's their fault which if they’re not doing this challenge too, it is. U-Fam, I promise if you join me on this journey, we’ll be able to make 2025 our worst, loneliest, and smelliest year yet, thereby making 2026 the greatest comeback story of all time!
by Mason Piva