Absent-minded Professors

Featuring Lies, Slide Decks, and the World’s Longest ‘Quick Example’

You know how professors love to say things like, “Quick side story…” or, “I’m planning to let you guys out a little early today”? Yeah. Those are straight-up lies. Not malicious ones, I’ll give them that, more like the academic version of “I’ll be ready in five minutes." Because somehow that “quick side-story” always, and I truly mean always, turns into a twenty-five-minute tangent about a completely unrelated and irrelevant story they brought up unprompted and unprovoked. Usually along the lines of the one time they backpacked through Colorado or how their cat has anxiety.

And the best part? They always act surprised that they’ve gone off-topic. They’ll pause mid‑ramble, look at the clock like it personally betrayed them, and say, “Wow, I didn’t mean to talk that long.” As if they weren’t the ones who launched into a full cinematic universe of their childhood trauma because someone in the back row coughed in a way that reminded them of their grandfather. It’s like watching someone get lost in their own maze with no intention of finding the exit.

Moving on to the early dismissal? Never happening. Time and time again, they’ll say “After this, I’ll let you guys get outta here” and then almost instantaneously open a brand-new slide deck titled something like Additional Notes(Optional). Meanwhile, the class is collectively vibrating with the hope of freedom like the first five minutes of High School Musical 2, everyone looking at the clock, chanting freedom, freedom, freedom. Only to finally reach the end, and the professor says, “This reminds me of something that happened to me in grad school…” and ends with you leaving at the exact regular time anyways, if not five minutes past time. 

My personal favorite is when they say, “We’re going to get to the end of this chapter today,” and then… they don’t. At all. Not even close. They’ll hype up some big concept like it’s the season finale, and then spend the entire class talking about something completely different because they got sidetracked by a question no one even asked. And at the end, they’ll say, “We’ll start with it next time,” which is professor‑speak for “You will never see this content again.” And you WILL be tested over it, don’t worry.

Honestly, I don’t blame them. Time works differently in a classroom. Five minutes becomes forty. “One quick example” becomes a full autobiography. And “We’ll get out early” becomes the biggest lie told in higher education.

At this point, I don’t even get annoyed; I’ve just treated it like a nature documentary. Observe the professor in their natural habitat, confidently announcing a plan they will absolutely not follow. It’s almost comforting. Predictable, even. Because if there’s one thing you can count on in college, it’s that when a professor says “This won’t take long,” you should probably settle in. You’re not going anywhere.

By Lily Morris