BREAKING NEWS (Mocktower)
Worship credits are now currency
In a move that administrators say will “better reflect the living conditions of Ellen White’s end times,” the university announced Monday that it will officially transition from U.S. dollars to a new campus-wide currency: Participation in Worship Credits, or PCoin, to pay tuition.
According to the email sent at 5:13 a.m. (and marked “urgent”), PCoin is designed to “align worship engagement with financial systems” and “reward the behaviors we’ve always valued but never quite quantified beyond an awkward 10% of your final degree.”
“Money, as a concept, is outdated,” the statement reads. “But saying ‘I agree with what she said’ at the exact right moment? That has real, measurable value.”
Under the new system, students will earn PCoin through a variety of community-based activities. Earn 100 PCoin for every Ugather you attend (and actually stay for) while remaining, at minimum, visibly conscious. Speaking during discussion is valued at 10,000 PCoin per contribution, though this is capped to an exclusive, small group of people to “prevent over-participators from destabilizing the economy.” At least, that’s what the exclusive group said when asked who could join. Students may also earn smaller fractions of PCoin for behaviors such as nodding thoughtfully (5), maintaining eye contact (variable rate, depending on how long and with whom), and offering affirmations like “that’s interesting” or “I never thought of it that way” (50 each). While checking Canvas mid-worship or asking “what chapter did they say?”, both result in a negative PCoin charge (-75).
University officials insist the system is already working. Within hours of the announcement, business majors reportedly launched several student-run investment firms, including a Participation Index Fund and a high-risk trading platform specializing in discussion volatility. Anything but their classes, right?
The shift has also led to the rapid emergence of a black market in participation. Several underground Discord servers now offer pre-written discussion responses, rentable eye contact, and even “premium nodding services” for students unable to attend worship services themselves. Campus authorities confirmed that at least one operation has been shut down after it was discovered to be distributing counterfeit “active listening” credits.
“We take participation fraud very seriously,” said a university security officer. “If we find out a student paid someone else to say ‘that’s a great point’ on their behalf, there will be consequences.”
As the system continues to roll out, some unintended consequences have begun to surface. Students are reportedly creating an 8 a.m. prayer group purely to mine PCoin, while those who prefer to remain silent have been classified as “economically and academically at risk.”
Despite concerns, the university remains optimistic. In a follow-up statement, administrators confirmed that U.S. dollars will still be accepted “for now,” but encouraged students to begin diversifying their assets. They have confirmed that if a student does not have enough PCoin to pay tuition, $40,000 will be charged to their bank account automatically as a punishment for not participating enough.
“The future is participation,” the statement concludes. “We strongly advise students to start investing in eye contact immediately.” So put your Saturday best on, and put those wallets away while we all adjust to this new way of life!
By Lily Morris