How to Catch a Squirrel
Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!
I know you’re probably asking yourself why you’d want to catch a squirrel, but why not? Every time you walk outside, you’re likely to see them running around Union. You might as well grab one and keep it as a pet—everyone needs a furry friend. You may be thinking this task seems difficult, but I assure you, it can be done. Here are 10 easy ways to catch a squirrel:
1. Go camouflage
Luckily for you, camouflage print is in, so you should be able to easily find an outfit. Once you do, hide in the bushes.
2. Buy a trap
You can purchase a squirrel trap on Amazon for as low as $16!
3. Wear a costume
There are three options for this catching method. You can dress as a tree, dress as squirrel and attempt to blend in or dress as a giant acorn. Enough said.
4. Chase them down
Just run and hope for the best.
5. Befriend a hawk
This plan is genius. By befriending a hawk, you can have it do your dirty work for you. Make sure you build a stable enough relationship with the hawk to ensure it doesn’t keep the squirrel for itself.
6. Find a good hiding spot
I recommend climbing a tree or hiding in a trash can if you’re up for the challenge.
7. Bribe them with food
Squirrels will eat just about anything. Luring them in with food will make for an easy catch.
8. Leave your window open
If you’re feeling lazy, this option is for you! Just leave your window open and one will most likely be waiting for you after class.
9. Build a treehouse
While building a treehouse may seem like a lot of work, it’ll pay off because you can potentially make plenty of squirrel friends. With your new home, you can live amongst the squirrels and increase your chances of catching more than one.
10. Don’t use any of Alaysha’s ideas
If all else fails and you feel this isn’t the best or safest idea, the campus store sells stuffed animal squirrels. Not as exciting, but no one will notice its not real, right?
Hopefully by using at least one of the ten methods, you can catch a squirrel in no time. Best of luck to you as you attempt to capture and befriend a new furry friend.
Alaysha Harris is a senior studying communication.