Why You Should Definitely Speed Up

PC: Levi Ventura

PC: Levi Ventura

Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!


Ever since we were children, we’ve learned about stop signs, red lights and speed limits. We’ve been taught to follow signs because, well, if we didn’t, we’d probably end up in an accident and die. Stop signs and red lights make sense. If someone fails to stop, a car is likely to run into them. However, speed limits never made sense to me. Why should I drive 35 miles per hour when I could easily go 10 or 15 over?

This question led me to research the subject, and I think you all could benefit from the results I found. I discovered that obeying the speed limit is like believing in Santa Claus. It’s a childhood myth. It’s not real.

The reason we’re all taught to follow this absurd law is subject to debate. Some believe it’s because angels can only fly so fast and therefore we should drive slow enough for them to keep up. Others say a long time ago someone created speed limits as a joke, and they have stuck around ever since. Whatever the cause, speed limits have corrupted our society.

Why should you ignore the speed limit? The first reason is that driving fast is somewhat like a roller coaster. You never know when you might hit a speed bump or railroad track or wild animal, and who doesn’t love a good bumpy ride? The best part—this roller coaster is free! You can have a good time while saving money.

The second reason is you’ll get speeding tickets. Although speeding tickets have gotten a bad rap in our society, they’re actually quite beneficial. They teach us humility and work ethic. You see when people have too much money, they become a bit self-absorbed and don’t think of others’ needs. With more speeding tickets, people won’t have this problem because speeding tickets will keep people from having too much money.

Speeding tickets also teach work ethic, especially  to those who fall into the broke category, like us college students. If you don’t have much money to begin with, adding a speeding ticket to all of your other expenses will teach you to work harder. Work ethic is something many people seem to lack, but speeding tickets might just be the answer.

As you can see, speeding greatly benefits our society. Free roller coaster ride, humility and a better work ethic are just a few of the countless ways speeding improves our lives. So the next time you see a speed limit sign think, challenge accepted.

Lena Wilkie is a sophomore studying international rescue and relief.