Terrible Neighbors to the North

PC: funnyjunk.com

PC: funnyjunk.com

Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!


The United States is officially at war again. Technically, the Korean War is still ongoing, and even though past presidents haven’t received the Congressional approval required for the military action taken over the course of the War on Terror, we’re now faced with the most formalized and significant armed conflict in the past 50 years.

Early Monday morning, Canadian tanks rolled across the frozen tundra of America’s northern border, crossing into northern Minnesota, North Dakota and Montana.

After establishing a defensive perimeter, Canadian forces have slowly and methodically worked their way south across the midwestern plains while U.S. forces have solidified their positions around major population centers on the coasts.

Presumably, the strategy for Canadian forces is to occupy the rural areas of the United States from the onset. In doing so, they anticipate facing the least amount of resistance while cutting off the rest of the United States from its agricultural sector, a siege of sorts.

The U.S. response has been delayed but forceful. Washington has flown several sorties against Ottawa and various Canadian military installations in the past few days with varying amounts of success.

Unfortunately for the United States, much of Canadian military equipment is American made and of equal quality to U.S. warfighting technology. In the first few days, neither side has demonstrated a considerable competitive edge against the other.

To say the United States—and the world at large—was taken by surprise by the Canadian invasion is an understatement. Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, commented on the action, saying, “We just felt that Canada hasn’t gotten the respect it deserves recently, and we really resent the stereotypical caricature of the peaceful, polite and docile Canadian.

We’re dangerous too, okay?” But analysts suspect there might be a deeper motive behind the surprise attack. For years, the Canadian government has kept secret the knowledge of its dwindling maple syrup reserves.

No other commodity is as necessary to the stability of the nation as the liquid gold, and Ottawa rightly fears a popular uprising if it can’t provide for its citizens. It’s no coincidence that the U.S. states occupied by the Canadians have some of the highest counts of maple trees in North America.

As of last night, Canadian forces had just crossed the North Dakota/South Dakota border. They’re unlikely to reach northern Nebraska sooner than the end of the week, but it’s time for us to start evacuating.

Thus far Canadian forces have committed a number of atrocities, drawing the attention of the UN’s Human Rights Council—you won’t want to be around when they get here.

Jonathan Deemer is a senior studying business administration and international relations.