Wifey, Cold Brew and Taxes
Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!
Do I have to file taxes?
Hello Martha Stewart,
Definitely not, because you save so much money when you don’t. There are so many people in this world so they won’t ever catch you. The government has more important things to worry about. You’ll totally get away with it.
My grandma says I can’t wear ripped jeans. Should I do it anyway?
What’s up Angsty Teen,
Put holes in all your clothes to show her what real fashion looks like. In fact, you should put holes in all of her jeans. Maybe it’ll open her eyes!
How do I find the best summer job?
—Broke College Student
Hey Broke College Student,
Craigslist is the best place to find a job. You’ll find strange jobs that will really keep you on your toes. If this doesn’t work for you, go door to door and beg people to give you a job. If you work for little or no money, people will basically let you do whatever you want.
How do I get my man to propose?
If you want your guy to get serious and propose to you, make sure to remind him you’re wifey material every second of the day. DM all his friends to ask them to pressure him into doing it. Men don’t know what they want, so you have to make this decision for him. You can also announce your engagement on social media so he won’t be able to back out without looking like a total jerk. Send him your Pinterest wedding board. One look at that board and he’ll be begging you to marry him.
How do I stop drinking coffee?
Greetings Cold Brew,
Drink coffee until you wind up in a coffee coma. When you wake up, you won’t even want to look at coffee again, let alone drink it.
Hannah Armstrong is a junior studying health and human performance.