Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!
After spring break, I heard the surmounting complaints about Lincoln’s potholes. Somehow, the already sizeable dips became huge craters in the one week we were gone. Everyone is noticing the potholes and wishing for relief.
When your city’s in need of reparations, a good person to call should be the mayor. Or as Trevor Pike, sophomore business major, suggested, “We should call Domino’s right away.” I decided to see what the mayor had to say about the potholes and what he’s doing about them.
When I called his office, I was told to call back due to the influx of concerned citizens inquiring about the same issue. This made me uneasy because I needed answers to the pothole situation.
The next day, Mayor Chris Beutler gave his official statement. “Potholes are more than an inconvenience; they can be costly and dangerous,” Beutler said. “Yet our citizens need to know creating potholes is dangerous for everyone involved. Until Nebraskans stop digging holes in our roads, I won’t fix them. I myself have seen teenage hooligans with their jackhammers and shovels, and I won’t stand for it.”
Kayla Potts, senior psychology major, told me about her own “hooligan” encounter. “I just last night heard the sound of shovels hitting the pavement outside my window and saw a figure clothed in black. I rushed to bang on my window and they fled the scene.”
One student heard the mayor’s words and decided he couldn’t wait around for justice, instead he made his own task force team. Michael Scarn created Scott’s Tots to search for vigilantes. When I spoke with him, he said Scott’s Tots main job is to, “bring the hooligans to justice, like Batman does.” Scarn works with a sidekick, Woodpecker, to complete this task.
I asked him what a daily shift was like in Scott’s Tots. “I work hard all night every night trying to catch these vagrants. I will not rest until we catch these hooligans and I don’t care what people think of me. I’m doing this for their benefit, so if they feel threatened by my awe-inspiring presence, they can channel it into love. At the end of the day, I just want them to be afraid of how much they love me. I’m doing this for them after all.”
His go-get-it attitude inspired me to be on the lookout for these hooligans too. If you see a hooligan on the streets, call Scott’s Tots right away and Scarn will be there to catch them and bring them the justice they deserve. #HaltTheHooligans
Ashley Bower is a junior studying english language arts education.