Hats Off to You, 2020!: A Guide to Creating the Ultimate Defense

Look, I didn’t want to believe it either, but it must be true. I mean, a pandemic shaking the world? Global warming? Government confirmed sightings of UFOs? There’s only one possible cause for such turmoil. Aliens. If they weren’t here before, they sure are now. We must protect ourselves! There’s only one object up to the task: the tinfoil hat. Please, carefully read and enact the directions below to save yourself from almost certain alien experimentation.

1)  Measure your head. To be effective, your tinfoil hat absolutely must fit your head. Measure your head from the center of your forehead to the base of your skull.

2)  Cut out your material. Double the measurement found in the first step and add an extra four inches (the frontal lobe needs an extra layer of protection). Measure that length out on a roll of brand-new premium tinfoil and cut it out.

3)  Shape it to your head. Take the cut-out sheet of tinfoil and wrap it around your head, shiny side out. I cannot stress how important it is that the shiny side of the tinfoil faces away from your head! Smoosh the tinfoil onto your head until it fits properly. Secure seams with clear tape.

4)  Create a chin strap. From the roll, cut out a 6-inch strip of tinfoil. Fold it in half vertically. Punch a hole next to each temple in the main portion of the helmet and loop the strap through the holes. Secure the strap with clear tape.

5)  Decorate it (Optional). Read very carefully. You can only decorate your hat with tinfoil, and the shiny side must always face out. It’s the only way for the hat to remain effective. However, it is an option to mold new pieces (such as a mohawk or a duck) and attach with clear tape.

Aliens are the only explanation for 2020. We can’t go back to the way things were, but we can protect ourselves from further damage. All it takes is a roll of tinfoil and some creativity. And once you’re inside, you can slide your hat over your nose and mouth. You are now the proud owner of an alien proof face mask! Please do 2021 you a favor and save yourself from alien experimentation. Create and wear your tinfoil hat today!

Lacey Stecker is a Sophomore

Communications Major from

Noblesville, Indiana