It’s Happening: The Annex of Adventist Colleges - The Conquest Has Begun

Union College has announced its 2021 plans of annexing all other colleges in the Adventist system.

Faculty and staff have all agreed unanimously that it's time to move on from conquering the Midwest and move on to the rest of these United States.

The first lucky subjects of our glorious conquest will be the two closest universities, Andrews University and Southwestern University. Our valiant leaders, the heads of each division, will lead us into this new age of enlightenment.

Questions about why Union should do such a thing were answered by a heartfelt, passionate and fiery speech from our very own Phoenix Queen, Vinita Sauder.

“We are a powerful and beautiful college. This war is our way of showing that to the rest of the world. By going and showing everybody what they are missing and guiding them to what we have, we are doing the world a great favor. To let them all continue living in darkness would be a great disservice to them all.” These pride-inspiring words were met with thunderous applause and a standing ovation from all attendees.

When talking to our lead strategists, reporters were told some of the brilliant strategies that are being put into play to further the glory of Union College. Chief War Advisor Chris Rosado stated,

“This is a project that has been in the works for decades. We have been secretly infiltrating all other colleges by sending in ‘transfer students’ to understand the inner workings of the unenlightened ones. As an added bonus, our people on the inside have been working tirelessly to prepare the other universities to accept our rule. We have some other tactics that are in play, but those are above your security clearance.”

After reaching out to the Student Association at SWAU, they only had one thing to say.

“There is no war in Keene, Texas.” This is correct. There is no war. Only a path towards a better future for all. As we continue to spread our message, remember to watch out for anyone who says they’ve been to more than four Adventist colleges. You never know who’s watching.

Alex Nesmith is a Junior

Communications Major from

Calhoun, Georgia