Clapbacks for this Thanksgiving

Stick it to Aunt Mildred this Holiday Season

How’s it going U-Fam, as we know, Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday where we get together with family and friends, celebrate everything that we’re thankful for and stuff our faces with a frankly worrying amount of food. The one thing that people often forget each season is that Thanksgiving is also a prime opportunity for our more inquisitive family members to ask or even poke fun at certain aspects of our life. How do we manage to both partake and conversation while also having fun little clapbacks to keep family members on their toes!

Say your second aunt decides to get a little snarky while you’re preparing the stuffing and decides to hit you with a little, “So, I hear you changed your major? That last one was a little to difficult for you huh?” You can fire back with a snide but playful, “You’re an ugly freak and nobody here loves you.” This way your aunt will not only respect you but also find your wit charming!

Picture this, you’re sat at the table and just got done saying grace when your third step grandma decides to take a little jab at you, “Good prayer there darling, I think I heard a similar one at the K-3 sabbath school!” You can give a little chuckle and hit her with, “July 25, 2025 9:34pm, aneurysm.” This is sure to get everyone at the table chortling and gives a good start to what’s sure to be a wonderful dinner.

Towards the end of the night, you may find yourself cleaning the dishes with a full bubbling belly of sparkling grape juice when your portly 8th cousin waddles over to you shaking the floor with every step of his giant cankles and says, “Do you know what the weather tomorrow is like?” Clearly this is a reference to my slipup when planning what came to be known as “The Piva family reunion Tornado disaster of 2018” and in response I might just say, “Had you not been so massive and huge, the dreaded storm may have taken you instead of dear Uncle Aunty you rancid plump swine.” Then I would do my classic heel click as he waddled away!

Hopefully these suggestions help you at this year’s thanksgiving feast U-Fam and if you have any fun stories about thanksgiving clapbacks, feel free to write them in permanent marker on the walls of the Dick Building. Note: This is officially sanctioned by the Union Clocktower (Authors note: It’s probably not)

by Mason Piva