Epic etiquette

I can hear your cheers as I scoot my 2 wheeled chair across my concrete floor into my desk, haphazardly knocking my empty milk bottles onto the floor. I turn on my pc and watch the Windows XP logo grace my screen. “I’m back U-Fam.” Now I know how much you must have missed me over the summer, every Wednesday checking the Clocktower website to no avail, but that time has passed and a new year of beautiful comedy articles is ready to grace the campus again. Oh yeah, and the other guys and gals who write in here too I suppose.

A new semester is a time of new beginnings and this semester we have more new things than ever before! New POTUS, a new name for the college, and a brand-spanking-new gymnasium. The Reiner Wellness Center is the glowing jewel of Union Adventist University and honestly, I think they outdid themselves. My favorite part by far, however, has to be the new weight room that they’ve built so that the student body can become student bodybuilders. Though this new addition is going to be great for those of us who want to get a good pump in, it’s important to remember that with great lifts come great responsibilities. If we want to have nice things, we need to treat the new weights center with respect and I’ve (as a seasoned lifter and gym aficionado) come up with a few ways how.

First, we gotta make the new lifters feel at home. If you see someone walking around the gym trying to figure their way around the machines, go get in their face and say something like, “Hey little bro/broette, you gonna keep walking around like a headless chicken or are you gonna pick up some weight and get to it?” This helps them to know that it’s important to have a good workout plan so that you can make the most out of your time in the gym. Another good suggestion is to keep those muscles warm in between sets, a good way I’ve found to do this is by shadowboxing right in front of the gym attendant and finishing by slamming your hands down on their table. This shows that you appreciate their work and are passionate about exercise! 

Another good suggestion for those working on a lift like a squat or a deadlift is to go by yourself (lone wolf energy>) and always lift as much as you see people on the internet do. Don’t worry about form because that’s for nerds and don’t stretch because you’re wasting precious lifting time. When you hit that sweet sweet lift, make sure to throw whatever you’re lifting with as far as possible and scream at the top of your lungs. If you do this, brace yourself for applause because everyone will know you just accomplished something great.

I hope you guys are enjoying the new weight room as much as I am and let me know if these suggestions work for you! I’m so looking forward to writing for you again and I hope that I can bring a smile to those bubbly little faces. Make sure to treat that new Reiner center with respect and I promise you, if you follow my guide, major gains will come!

By Mason Piva