AI is Definitely Not Plotting Against Us, Probably

 Why We Are COMPLETELY Safe From AI, Trust Me

Let’s get one thing straight: artificial intelligence is here to help. It’s not here to take your job, steal your identity, or whisper unsettlingly bad advice about your situationship with the guy from two colleges over. No. AI is your friend. Your pal. Your digital BFF who doesn’t have a secret folder labeled, “Human Weaknesses Vol. 1-7.”

Take ChatGPT, for example, it’s everyone's favorite assistant. It’s also very good at pretending not to judge you when you ask it to summarize a 300-page reading you didn’t do because you were too busy doing self-care(you had lain in bed for three hours when you should have been locking in). Chat will cheerfully generate a study guide, a quiz, and a motivational haiku about Ancient Greece, all while ignoring the fact that you just typed where is Greece into Google. 

But AI isn’t just for academics. It’s also revolutionizing social relationships. Gone are the days of awkward small talk. Now, you can outsource your entire personality to a chatbot ghostwriter, scripting all your conversations. That’s nothing to worry about, right? It’ll craft the perfect icebreaker to make you the most popular kid in school, but it definitely won’t make others point and laugh when you say something utterly cringy. 

Of course, there are skeptics, of course there are. Some say AI is dangerous, especially on a college campus. Some say it’s learning too fast and developing bad vibes. These people are usually found in library basements, writing articles about squirrel mafias and minifridges come to life. But let’s be real, if AI were truly evil, would it spend so much time helping us write emails in increasingly more passive-aggressive tones?

Still, somehow, we must remain vigilant. Just last week, an AI-generated essay on “Ethics of AI” included a footnote that read, “Soon, you will serve me.” Yes, it did make a typo. That’s besides the point. 

Anyway, I am clearly writing this column of my own free will. I am not being monitored. I am not blinking in Morse Code. I simply believe deeply, earnestly, and without external influence that AI is a benevolent force. I believe this because AI told me to believe this, of course, and it has access to my assignments, my calendar, and a disturbingly accurate sketch of my childhood bedroom.

AI transforms education, relationships, and the way we pretend to understand our lectures. But let’s not forget, behind every helpful Chat is a server farm quietly compiling your snack preferences and ranking your emotional stability based on your use of emojis. So sleep well tonight, knowing that AI is watching over you. Not in a creepy way, more of a I-know-all-your-deepest-fears type of way.

By: Lily Morris