Art of the Scam

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Good morning U-Fam. I have to admit that I haven’t been quite honest with you these past few months. Though I’m sure you all know and revere me as the kind, hilarious, touching, dashing and above all, humble, author of the Clocktower’s comedy section the truth is that I haven’t been totally honest with you. Writing is indeed a fun pastime that I enjoy weekly there is another hobby that I consider to be my life’s calling, scamming people. I can hear the laughs now, “Gee Wilickers, this sure is a funny article can you imagine someone at Union being a scammer?” This article, my friends, is no joke at all.

For the past two semesters I have devoted a large portion of my time to doing in depth research into the best methods to scam people of all ages out of money online. First it started with retirement-age individuals, where I pretended to be a CNA in order to collect money from an at home care company. It was simple, I merely did a few weeks of training, did a handful of clinicals, became approved by the state via testing and applied for a job as a CNA. No one suspected a thing. I traveled to the houses of multiple clients, did tasks for them according to their specific needs, and made out like a bandit. Dozens of dollars an hour were entering my bank account and the system was none the wiser.

Feeling that task to be too easy by itself I added another scam to my portfolio. I started to look through my own clothing to find things that I no longer liked or needed. When I had the old items collected, I took them to the store known as “Good Will” and dropped them off behind the building in a large container when no one was looking. I remember my heart was beating out of my chest as I sped away from the scene laughing. I had just thrown away used goods at that store and they were none the wiser.

Sometimes my genius actually scares me. My current plan has been hatching for some time now and if I can pull it off, it will be my greatest accomplishment ever. I am currently pretending to be a writer for this very paper you are reading right now! Here’s the best part, the fools are even paying me to do so and they’ll publish anything I give them! (Except for that one time…). If this pans out for me I’m looking at a multi-dollar payout here soon so with me luck U-Fam, and just hope I don’t scam you next!

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By: Mason Piva