Local Man Declares War on Roundabouts After Getting Stuck for Three Days
The never ending circle
What started as a routine drive to Hy-Vee quickly spiraled into a three-day confusion and led to questionable snack choices for one local man. Now, he’s had enough. He's feeling evil, quite sinister actually. Larry Larrison, 47, has officially declared war on roundabouts after allegedly being “held hostage” by the one near 48th and Normal Boulevard. According to witnesses, he entered the circular trap on Tuesday morning and did not emerge until Friday afternoon, disoriented and clutching an empty Pringles can that had been kept in his passenger seat for four months as sustenance.
“I thought it would be a quick trip,” Larry said, still visibly shaken. “One turn in and suddenly I was just… there. Stuck. No exits. No way out. Only suffering. Feeling evil.” According to traffic reports, Larry made an estimated grand total of 1,374 rotations before finally mustering up the courage to “just pick a lane and hope for the best.” However, by then, his GPS had given up, switching from its usual guidance to a message that simply read:You are beyond help and maybe just keep doing what you're doing.
“I tried following another car, but they were also stuck. Doomed to circle forever,” Larry explained. “At one point, I swear I saw the same guy drive past me 43 times. We just nodded at each other and gave each other a mutual despair thumbs-up.” Larry’s family grew very concerned when he failed to return home for dinner that night and the next night as well. His wife, Larrisa, initially assumed that he was “just being dramatic again,” but after receiving a text that read only, Send help. Trapped. Pls help. Its larry. Your husband? she knew something was very wrong.
Emergency services were eventually contacted, but dispatchers were reportedly hesitant to respond. “We get calls like this all the time about roundabouts,” said Officer Dan. “Last week, a guy called 911 from a roundabout, crying because he ‘didn’t know what was real anymore.’”
After his eventual escape from the loop of death, Larry took to social media, where he posted a manifesto titled The Roundabout Menace, urging fellow Lincolnites to rise up against what he calls “an attack.” His post quickly gained traction, receiving hundreds of likes and comments from others who have allegedly fallen victim to roundabouts in that same area. “Same thing happened to my cousin in 2019,” one user commented. “We thought he moved to Florida because he wanted to own a gator as a pet, but turns out he just never made it out.”
City officials, however, remain unsympathetic to the locals. “Roundabouts improve traffic flow and reduce accidents around town,” said a spokesperson from the Department of Transportation. “People just need to learn how to drive.”
Larry is not convinced. Larry says “That’s exactly what they want you to believe,”
Passerbyers say they saw Larry at the capitol building whittling a pencil into what he called his “war spear.” He has since begun organizing a protest outside the capitol building, demanding the removal of all roundabouts within a 50-mile radius.Until then, Larry has vowed to avoid them at all costs, even if it means taking a 45-minute detour to get to the gas station two blocks away. “I’d rather run out of gas than go through that again,” he said. “At least then, I’d be stranded by my own choices.”
Image generated by ChatGPT
By: Breanna Hawk