A New Store Anyone Can Love

PC: Kayla Potts

PC: Kayla Potts

Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!


The Committee on Student Relationships recently announced the opening of a new on-campus store focused exclusively on wedding products. The establishment, which will be called “The Link,” will offer engagement rings, wedding dresses and honeymoon vacation packages among other things.

The Committee, which is comprised of three alumni couples and the entire Advancement office, was formed five months ago to create “better harmony” between students.

In a statement announcing the store’s opening, the Committee said, “Union is a place where everyone has a voice, and we continuously strive to meet the desires of our student body. Since everybody knows people primarily go to Adventist colleges to get married, we opened this store.”

The committee realizes couples have many options when it comes to making pre-wedding purchases, so to stay competitive they chose to stock items of special interest to Seventh-day Adventists.

Honeymoon packages whisk newlyweds away to sites such as Battle Creek, MI or Oshkosh, WI.

The potluck catering menu includes all-time favorites such as mashed potatoes, pasta salad, loaf #1, loaf #2, loaf #3, loaf #4, loaf #5 and loaf #6.

For an extra fee, couples can even choose to have General Conference President, Ted Wilson, marry them in the lobby of the General Conference headquarters building!

Students will be able to use their ID cards to make purchases by charging a new special account, which will be funded by an increase in tuition. The money will be non-refundable. However, if students graduate without finding a spouse, money allocated to The Link that will build up over their time in college will be used to buy them lifetime access to Adventist Singles.

Because the campus has little under-utilized existing space, and to encourage proper conduct between engaged couples, the store will be housed in a new custom-built building to be constructed on center campus. The building will be made of all glass, security cameras will monitor blind spots in the isles, and the cutting-edge “anti-purpling couches” will shock couples if they sit too close together. “We don’t want any hanky-panky going on,” the statement explained.

Construction will begin in August, after the 2019 wedding season has concluded.

Max Bromme is a junior business administration.