The Newest from E.G.W.

Photo by  James Bold  on  Unsplash

Photo by James Bold on Unsplash

Disclaimer: This issue of The Clocktower is 98 percent fake news and 100 percent awesome. The events described are fictitious and any similarities to real world people or events are a coincidence. April Fools! If you have concerns or complaints please write them down, put them in a bottle and gently place the bottle in Holmes Lake. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!


Ellen White’s writings have been the largest influence on the Seventh-day Adventist beliefs and practices secondary to the bible since the founding of the organization. Religious scholars study her literature constantly and they recently uncovered a new meaning to her words.

This may come as a shock to some of you but “unequally yoked” applies to more than just whom you marry. For a truly balanced lifestyle, the General Conference has implemented a 29th fundamental belief that will knock your socks off.

Here’s the official statement from the Church: “We believe in a balanced lifestyle. Finding the right life partner is not the only way God wants us to achieve that balance. We should keep our attire in a balanced manner as well. For example, making sure your socks are matched helps bring you closer to Christ. Seventh-day Adventists should take the extra time to fold their socks with their matching partner.

During the time it takes you to match your socks, you can reflect on how God has the perfect mate for you. Fabric blends should also reflect your relationship with God. Checking the tag to ensure your clothes have 100 percent cotton or a 50/50 blend is an easy way to take care of this.”

Look at your friends and notice their socks. Are they walking steady with the Lord?

Esther Pervis is a junior studying nursing.